A Week in the Life: A German software developer
Rebecca, a software developer living in Germany, with her academic spouse and 2 preschoolers reflects on her week.
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This week, Rebecca reflects on parenting two preschool aged children, navigating specialist appointments and making time for self-care.
What’s your kid/family situation?
2 kids very close in age, a 5.5-year-old boy (J) and a 4-year-old girl (N) - there are only 19 months in between them. Married to a scientist, S. We live in a medium-sized city in Germany, renting a small house close to the inner city. J has a developmental delay mostly around speech - he's hard of hearing and probably has an auditive processing disorder, which all led to some other delays (social/emotional). He has hearing aids, goes to speech therapy and occupational therapy and has regular specialist doctor's visits.
What is your job situation? (Job, hours, WFH vs butts in seat)
I am a software developer. I went from fully in office with a 30-minute commute to fully WFH with the pandemic. My company moved from working from our client's offices to working from our own in 2020, so it's now only 10 minutes by bike and I occasionally go in, but usually my schedule is too tight for the additional trip. My maternity leave for N ended in March 2020 and the plan was to have both S and I working full time, but between the pandemic childcare situation, J's diagnosis (he's been in speech therapy since 2019, worn hearing aids since 2020) that requires a lot of appointments, and my own health situation I dropped to 30 hours a week, which I work over 5 days. S works full time, often from home, but has to go in for some meetings.
What's your childcare situation? (daycare, wraparound care, nanny, magical grandparents)
Germany starts formal schooling late, at 6 years, so both kids are in full-time. They are in the same part of the daycare that has kids from age 3 to almost 7 and go there from 8 to 16, with J having a few hours of preschool a week because he could start school this summer, though we are holding him back until 2024. The daycare is 6 km away, we decided against a close one because of what this one has to offer. It's 15 minutes by car or 20-25 minutes by cargo bike, which we try to use during spring/summer/autumn.
There are grandparents who can help, but they are too far away for a regular or short stay. So far we could have them stay with my parents-in-law a week in January and one during the summer holidays, which helps us get caught up on major house projects. We haven't yet used a babysitter.
A Week in the Life
Monday
I played video games until way too late and then couldn't fall asleep, so I'm pretty tired when my alarm rings at 615. I finally roll out of bed at 645 and do a quick bathroom and get dressed run before heading downstairs. I have the baby monitor with me so I could hear that S had to wake up the kids at 630. They are also getting dressed, and we meet downstairs at 7 for a cup of milk (kids) and coffee (parents). I drive the kids to daycare at 745 and return at 830 and start to work.
At 1515, I get in my car and I am back with the kids at 1600. S is still working and I fill out a "friendship album" the kids received with them. They are books where each friend of a child gets two pages to answer certain questions, draw something, etc, and they get passed around at daycare or school. It takes about 45 minutes to wrangle two kids enough to do this. At 1645, S is finished and we do an afternoon cup of milk/coffee session and talk about the day. After that, S and I disassemble our digital piano and haul it up into our bedroom because we are making a corner for my hobby where it stood - I picked up drawing/painting when the kids were little. Someone picks up two armchairs I gave away on eBay. N helps with little tasks around setting up my new art corner/nook, J is in their room, listening to an audiobook. We have dinner at 1810, leftover pancakes from the weekend, yogurt and an apple for the kids, and bread with cheese for us adults. Bedtime starts directly afterward and the kids are in bed by 1900.
I take a shower and warm up some leftovers we had frozen, then I spend two hours drawing - I reserve Monday evenings for some hobby focus time. S heads to bed around 2120 and I play a video game for an hour before going to bed, too
Tuesday
Pretty standard morning, I do the daycare runs except for Wednesday afternoon and Fridays. The kids are at daycare at 810 and I'm at my desk at 845. During a work meeting, I order some pictures of the kids because we don't have any current ones and we need small ones for the friendship book. I pick up the kids and get home with them at 1600. After milk/coffee, I play with them for a while and then it's bath time. During their bath, I fold two and a half loads of laundry. Laundry is neverending, so I also prepare the next two loads and there's enough for a third, too. We have a very German dinner with only bread and cheese/butter/etc - the kids get a warm meal at daycare and S and I don't really want to cook in the evenings, so we don't. I often eat leftovers during the week, S often fixes himself some kind of rice bowl with vegetables. After the kids are asleep, we both do some minor chores and then head to the couch to watch some TV. S heads to bed early and I do some painting and gaming before heading to bed myself.
Wednesday
Our daycare does 4-hour hikes with the kids once a week, and it's divided by age group - Wednesday is N, Friday is J. Wednesday is also J's speech therapy day. We prepare N's backpack and all get into the car at 735, my husband drops J and me off at speech therapy and drives N to daycare so she arrives at 8. J is in therapy from 8 to 840, my husband has returned in the meantime and I take over the car to take J to daycare and drop S off at his office on the way there. We arrive in the middle of the morning circle and J happily joins in. I am back home at 930, put on some laundry, and then it's my biweekly 3 hours long review and planning meeting at work. I've had insomnia the past two nights and thus quite the sleep deficit by now and decided to take a nap afterward and make up the work some other time, so I can at least somewhat function. I wake up in time to get the kids, then it's some chores and playing, I do OT homework with my son. Dinner at 18, bedtime at 19, some TV and some gaming, as usual. I actually manage to fall asleep shortly after going to bed.
Thursday
Because our weekly Occupational Therapy appointment is at a really inconvenient time, it requires leaving home at 1300 and coming home at 1530, so S and I alternate weeks for this. I'm on this week, but while I'm on the way to daycare, S finds out he has a long meeting the next week, so we switch weeks and he's at the office and then at OT. We spend a quiet afternoon afterward, the kids are pretty exhausted, and after the kids are in bed, S and I order Chinese takeout.
Friday
It's J's hike day at daycare, and my husband does both daycare trips on Fridays, so I can do some catching up on work. The husband spends the morning at his office. During a break, I sort through some old clothes N has grown out of and put them on eBay marketplace for free and arrange pick-ups. We also receive a grocery order. J is exhausted from a full week at daycare and has speech and occupational therapy.
In the evening, I talk to my father for almost an hour - he was supposed to visit the next weekend, we haven't seen him since August 2022, but he slipped and broke a metatarsi, so that's looking very unlikely now.
The Weekend
Saturday: I sleep until 8am, by the time I have gotten up S has already done breakfast with the kids (Saturday is "pancake day"). He is going on a day trip kayaking with a few friends. The kids and I drop him off at the train station at 10, he's supposed to come home around midnight. I take the kids to a playground afterward where they run and climb for two hours before we go home and have the lunch S has prepared (rice pudding with applesauce, nothing fancy today). I start cleaning the bathrooms and our bedroom while the kids watch TV. After TV time, N wants to join in and help me while J plays in their room. We end up also cleaning the kitchen and living room. At 5, I start a bath for the kids and fold and put away two loads of laundry while they are in there. Then it's dinner, bedtime and I draw and play some video games before going to bed. Unfortunately, my husband's train has a huge delay and he can't catch his connection and he doesn't come home until 130 at night. At 3, N calls out because she had a nightmare and needs some cuddles to fall back asleep.
Sunday: S naturally gets up at 6 at the latest, so it's no use for me to be tired as well and get up early, so I get up at 9. I'm not used to being woken up at night anymore, especially not twice. We have breakfast together, then I take the kids outside into our garden and S gets some rest on the couch for an hour before preparing lunch. It's one of the first nice spring days here, 15 degrees C and sunny all day. I practise biking with N and J plays in our sandbox. Later the neighbor's 10-year-old invites my kids over to jump on her trampoline, which tires them out in time for lunch, we eat and then have some TV time for the kids/rest time for the adults. We head back outside afterward, and do some much overdue gardening. Because the laundry is truly neverending, it's another two loads to wash today. The kids are really tired in the evening.
Reflections
What was your biggest success this week?
Getting rid of a lot of things that were cluttering up our home and setting up a nice corner in our living room for my hobby with the newly available space.
What was your biggest obstacle?
I have been having a bad time with my mental health and insomnia, and that really hit Tuesday/Wednesday. I prioritized sleep and rest for myself in the evenings and that helped.
How are you making it work?
By letting a lot of things slide - the house can be a bit of a mess, the kids aren't scheduled for a ton of activities, we don't usually do huge outings on weekends. Not having to stress about meals is also a huge help. 2020/21 were really hard on us, as my husband was involved in covid research and often worked all weekend, and we didn't always qualify for emergency daycare during the daycare closures. Things are still difficult now, but already so much better than during those years.
My employer is very big on the work-life balance and making things comfortable for all kinds of different living situations thing, and that's not just on paper. I get a lot of flexibility and what's almost more important, understanding that sometimes things at home get prioritized. I've been with that company for 10 years now and don't play on every leaving because of this.